The Results of Faith, Hope, and Perseverance: Emotions Part 1

I tried to tell our story in the previous posts by just kind of telling the facts and telling how we got from wanting to have a child to 3.5 years later actually having one. I'm sure I indicated some emotions in those posts, but I didn't come close to describing all the mental turmoil we went through. I know my blog has got some recent publicity to possibly be a help to those out there who might be experiencing infertility, so I think it is important for me to talk about the emotions we went through. For starters, when we first started trying to get pregnant we did not tell anyone we were trying. Personally, I think that is silly...to announce you are trying to get pregnant. It just isn't my personality. We wanted to announce we WERE pregnant, not trying. We just kept hoping for that day and as you have read, it didn't come. Once we discovered there was a problem, I didn't want to tell anyone that either. I felt like we were the only people in the world to experience infertility and I felt embarassed to share it with anyone. I had no problem telling my parents because I knew they would support us, but I didn't want anyone else to know. Because of that, I withdrew myself from all types of friend groups and people who could have and eventually did support us. Looking back, I wish I wouldn't have withdrawn like that, but it was all part of the process and I learned a great deal from it. At that point in our lives, we didn't really have any close friends with small children or that were pregnant. Then came one night at our church group. A very good friend of ours announced they were pregnant and I just plain lost it. I had to leave the room and I didn't think I could go back. I thought I snuck out well enough to not make a scene, but not quite. The friend that had just announced she was pregnant, one of the most exciting times in her life, found me in the bathroom. I felt so horrible standing there crying for myself instead of congratulating her, but it also felt good to tell someone my secret. And my friend, who is one of the most gracious and loving people in the world, consoled me and shared in my grief. As time progressed, it turned out to be one of the greatest "medicines" for me to watch her pregnancy and the growth of her child once he was born. I feel like he was a part of my process to having Aria because I saw how great he was and wanted to do whatever I needed to be able to have that in my life. When our friends announced they were pregnant it was shortly after we found out we were going to have trouble. We didn't even know what in vitro was yet. So, for a long time, those friends were the only friends who knew of our heartache. Their support from that point forward was great. First of all, I know they were praying for us all the time. When I was pregnant with Aria almost 2 years later, I learned my friend made Aria a blanket as a way to pray for us on a consistant basis. That was one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me and I am truly blessed to have that friend in my life! Secondly, my friend did a great job helping me divert questions about having kids from other friends. Which brings me to my next topic. Please, please, please, please...everyone out there reading this...think really hard the next time you want to ask a couple if they are planning to have kids or if they want to have kids or anything to do with having kids. Maybe other couples out there who are struggling with infertility can handle it better than I can, but I had an extremely hard time whenever anyone hinted at asking about kids. It almost always resulted in a 10-20 minute crying session. There were some people who were very innocent in asking the question and did it in a nice way and there were others who were down right rude about it. It didn't matter how someone approached the question, it hurt every time it was asked. I don't care if it is your best friend or your sister or someone you are just getting to know, I would advise leaving the kids question out. Usually, if a person is pregnant, they'll announce it. And, a lot of times when couples just aren't ready to try yet, they aren't shy about saying that. But, if the people just don't talk about kids at all, maybe you should leave the topic alone. I feel like I sound pretty blunt about this, but it was the hardest thing for me to deal with...answering to people who constantly brought up why we didn't have a child yet. And with that, my child is ready for her bedtime routine, so I'll have to continue later! :)