Grandma Jackie

Aria Jackie Pegump got her middle name after my maternal grandmother, Jackie Rickey. I wrote about why we chose to name Aria after my grandma in our birth anouncement. While that post explains my grandma pretty well, there is just a little bit more I would like to say.

My grandma was born on January 28, 1932. Yes I said January 28. My due date during pregnancy: January 28. It was no coincidence in my mind. From the start I knew Aria was a girl and I knew we would get to name her after my grandma. I was just sure Aria would come on January 28, too, but she just didn't feel like it. I guess January 29th will do. :) We had a failed in vitro cycle. Had we carried that baby to term, he/she would have been born in November of 2009. I'm sure there are many reasons God planned for that failure before he gave us Aria; some of them I think I know, some I don't. One of them I am pretty sure of was so I could be due on my grandma's birthday, with a girl that we could name after her. When I wrote about finding out we were pregnant, I left you all hanging forever about how my mom knew exactly what my due date was. Sure, she could have figured it out mathematically because there are no guessing games when you know the exact moment of conception, but she just knew it would be my grandma's birthday.

I used to believe that loved ones who died and went on to heaven were like angels watching over us here on Earth. Then, one Sunday in church our pastor preached about that topic and convinced me otherwise. I don't remember the whole sermon, but I do remember him quoting the Bible to point out how/why those that make it to heaven before us aren't angels. So, maybe when I believed that about angels I might have said my Grandma had a hand in my pregnancy, due date and gender. But, I now know it was all God. I know God is using my Grandma's life, even after her death, to influence my life. In fact, like I said in Aria's birth announcement, I think I've almost learned more from her after her death than I did when I was younger. At least I have paid better attention.

My grandma died 5 years ago tomorrow, September 26, 2005. At the beginning of August, 2005 my grandma was fine. At the end of the month she got sick, with what seemed something like a cold that was eventually pneumonia. She wasn't getting better at our local hospital, so they moved her to UIHC. (Which is another kind of cool connection...my grandma died at UIHC and we needed the great doctors at UIHC to help us create Aria.) The doctors couldn't exactly figure out what was wrong with her and she just continued to get worse. However, the doctors did not think she was terminal and had hope of finding a way for her to heal. She was intubated, couldn't talk, eat, etc. My grandma did not want to be kept alive on life support and was confused at why it seemed that was what was happening. She wanted to die. I actually heard her say those words. It made me incredibly sad at the time and confused, but I can look at it totally differently now.

My grandma and grandpa got married in 1950. My grandpa died of cancer in 1987. Sure, they were together for almost 37 years, had 5 awesome kids who grew up and had kids of their own. Unfortunately, my grandpa didn't get to know all of us grandkids. And, even though they had a long, great marriage, unfortunately, my grandma lost her husband at a fairly young age, 55. But, my grandma delighted in the Lord, was extremely involved in church, was a HUGE sports fan, and loved spending time with her grandkids and their friends. She lived a wonderful life and at 73, when she was sick, intubated, and tired of being in the hospital, she was ready to die. She wanted to go to heaven, to see Jesus and to see my grandpa again. None of us wanted to lose her, but she was ready. I wish I could be like that.

I had never heard the song, "I Can Only Imagine" until my grandma died and we were planning her funeral. We found the lyrics written in her handwriting on some scrap piece of paper and knew the song was a perfect fit for her. It took me a long time before I could listen to that song without crying. Sometimes I still cry because it reminds me of her. And, I do cry a lot. But really, think about it. Can you imagine what it will be like when you walk by His side? What will you do? Will you dance or be still? Will you stand or fall to your knees? Will you sing Hallelujah? Will you be able to speak at all? I still can't figure it out. Our Savior...meeting Him face to face...holy cow. How amazing will that be?

To finish the story, eventually, the doctor's figured out they could not heal my grandma and whatever sickness she had would end her life. They removed the tube and we all got to say our good-byes. The last night I remember talking to my grandma I remember telling her about NCBC, our church, how great it was, about some great sermon or something we had heard the previous Sunday, and about how we were going to join an Impact group for Bible study. My grandma was so happy to hear about all that and to know I was seeking a closer relationship with God. I don't think there is a better final conversation.

I am so thankful God has chosen to use my grandma as an influence in my life. She wasn't perfect, but there was no doubt about her love for God. I hope I can show that same love for God to Aria and share some of my favorite memories of my grandma with her.

Lotsa New Developments

I go through these phases where I worry that "Aria isn't doing..." or "Aria hasn't..." I become obsessed with why she hasn't reached whatever milestone I think she should have, even if she is behaving perfectly normal for her age. The cool thing is, most of the time when I worry about such things, Aria starts doing them in the next few days! In the last week or two we have had a lot of cool new developments:

1. Aria hasn't been a fan of food with texture. She wants her solids finely pureed. Friday she ate a few Cheerios!!

2. Previously, any time I put food on Aria's high chair tray for her to try to eat as finger foods, she would just play with them and never put them in her mouth. Everything goes in her mouth, except the finger foods. Friday she ate a few Cheerios!!

3. Unfortunately, yesterday morning we discovered that we really do need to use soy formula. We tried switching back to the regular stuff and the result was a lot of puking. :(

4. After rolling over shortly after turning 3 months, I thought for sure we would have an early crawler, walker, etc. However, Aria has grown accustomed to her rolling mode of transportation and has become quite good at rolling several times in a row to get to what she wants and therefore has no use for crawling. Yet, in the past week or two we have started seeing...well...I'll call it forward movement. It isn't exactly your typical crawling, but it is not rolling, either! See the video and judge for yourself!


5. Aria has become a lot more aware of where things are and where they go when dropped or moved. She knows the sound of Daddy's car when he gets home from work and the back door when he comes in. She also sees him out the window from her high chair. Friday night, Justin was outside grilling and I was in the kitchen making a salad. We left Aria in the middle of the living room to roll and scoot around and in about a minute she came and found me in the kitchen!

6. Recently Aria has started "snuggling". She scoots her way to a blanket, a stuffed animal, a burp cloth, or anything soft and rests her head on it. It is sooooo cute! If only she would sit still long enough to snuggle with me!

7. Yesterday, after Aria felt better from her puking sessions, she held her own bottle for an entire feeding! She has previously shown no interest!

8. One of the days this week when Justin was going back to work after being home for lunch Aria waved bye-bye to him as he left!

I love watching all of Aria's new developments and I feel like she is getting "so old" every time she does something new. Boy do I have big surprises ahead of me!!

Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protexts, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

These verses were read in our wedding and we have a shortened version hanging on the wall in our living room. I've always thought of them as the wedding verses. But today I came to a whole new realization. The Bible study I recently started challenged me to find 3 verses about love (and also forgiveness, but I am focusing on love now). Of course 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a is the first one I wrote down because it is one of my favorites, aside from the fact that it is about love.

As I was reading it and writing it down it really dawned on me that Paul was not just referring to love in a marriage. In fact the context has nothing to do with marriage, so why do I only associate this message with a marriage? These words cover ALL love, including loving your neighbor whom you may not like very much.

While I work really hard to follow those guidelines in my marriage, with my daughter, with my parents and friends, I don't always do so hot with those that challenge me. The part that strikes me the most is, "it keeps no record of wrongs." I definitely need to work on that part. Needless to say it was a valuable Bible study for me, today. Thank you, God, for showing me what I need to work on through one of my favorite verses and for instructing me how to LOVE through Paul's letter to the Corinthians!

Toys

I promise...we really do buy our daughter toys...lots of them in fact. She just would rather play with...


a string


her toes


in a box (thanks to Grandma)


with Augie's balls...anytime Augie comes in the room and drops a ball, Aria immediately drops what she is doing and shimmies her way over to the ball! Justin and I see this leading to a love of basketBALL or softBALL or volleyBALL!!!!


with the non-functioning tv remote


and with a can koozie turned dog toy turned Aria toy!

:)

Why was it that I spent money on toys??

What's with the title?

So I created this blog awhile ago now and came up with this fancy title and have never really explained it. Maybe it doesn't need much explanation given all the posts I've written, but it has deep meaning rooted in the Bible and I want to share. My favorite verse(s) in the Bible remind so much of our experience with infertility.

Romans 5:1-5

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

(NIV)

Obviously the result of our faith, hope, and perseverance is our wonderful blessing, Aria. Obviously it took a lot of faith, hope, and perseverance on our part to have her in our life. Obviously we didn't have any control over our situation, only our emotions, attitude, and actions. Obviously our emotions, attitude, and actions ran the gamut. But looking back, nothing but our complete faith in God, the hope He gave us in His Son, and the perseverance to wait for His timing could have gotten us to where we are today. And, I'm sure nothing but our complete faith in God, the hope He gave us in His Son, and the perseverance to wait for His timing will guide us in parenting our precious child.

There are those out there who don't believe, who don't have faith, who don't have hope. My heart aches for them. Whatever pain or suffering you have, give it to God. He wants you to believe on Him, have faith in His plan. I wouldn't be where I am today without faith, hope and perseverance and I won't get wherever it is I'm going without it, either. Thank you God for the suffering you gave me. It certainly made me appreciate the result more than I could ever have dreamed of before.

A Conversation...

...between daddy and daughter

Transition

Disclaimer: If you are going to read this post please read the entire post and don't make any assumptions throughout. I love my daughter and I love being a stay at home mom.

It is now September and fall is in the air! Fall is definitely my favorite season. It used to have a lot to do with the start of a new school year, even though school starts in the middle of August and summer now. This year I still love fall, but I don't have my start of a new school year.

Before Aria was in my life I was a teacher. I taught middle school talented and gifted students and I LOVED my job! Sure there were days and angry parents and frustrating students and non-supportive staff and unneccessary paperwork, but all of that was an easy push over when it came to the students I got to work with. I taught in 7 school years (with the last one cut short in January), which means 9 different classes of students. I loved each of the classes and all of the students. I had a few groups I loved more than others, but I could always find what I enjoyed about a class. TAG kids are fun, quirky, weird, brilliant, creative, silly, imagnitive, wise, sympathetic, off the wall, and just down right awesome! Honestly, I would not want to teach any other type of students.

When I was obtaining my education degree I thought I wanted to teach 1st grade. Maybe 2nd and no higher than 3rd. Then, in the spring of my senior year, my advisor asked if I was interested in teaching gifted kids. I was a part of a gifted program when I was younger and I thought it sounded like something up my alley. The job I interviewed for was a k-8 position with gifted kids, part time. I thought it was a start and I could always keep looking. After about 2 or 3 days I was hooked and I loved 8th graders! Through the years I came to realize how much I loved middle schoolers and God placed me with them for a reason! A lot of people are scared of middle schoolers and TAG students, but I embrace them and wouldn't trade them for the world!

Or the world besides my daughter. School started a few weeks ago around here. On August 12 the teachers went back to work without me this year. I cried. I am an emotional person. Then school started on August 18. I cried. I am an emotional person. I miss teaching. I miss my students. I miss my 8th graders that I taught for two years and now have TAG class with someone else. I miss the 7th graders that I just barely got to know last year before I went on maternity leave. I miss the 6th graders that I've never met, but would be my students if I were still teaching.

All last spring I was just on maternity leave. All summer it was just summer break. It took school starting again for me to realize I am a stay-at-home mom. This has been a hard transition for me. I loved my job.

Then the other day a former student of mine made a comment on my facebook wall "if only there was a way for me to do both" meaning teach and stay at home. Her comment was like a light bulb in my head that I DID get to do both. God gave me the fabulous opportunity to teach for 7 years and hopefully touch the lives of some students along the way and have those students touch my life over and over again in those years. Now, God is giving me the fabulous opportunity to be a stay at home mom and influence my daughter's life in a way no one else can. I am so thankful for my 7 years and I am so thankful that I can be a stay at home mom. I have really gotten the best of both worlds!

Aria was born about 3.5 years after I was hoping for her. Had she arrived when I first wanted to have a baby I don't think I could have been a stay at home mom. And, had we found a way to make it happen, I would have missed out on some pretty fabulous kids in my classroom. God's plan is perfect! We just don't always realize it at the time.

School starting was a hard transition for me. But I am at peace now. I love staying home with Aria and I would not want to miss a minute of her cute smiles, crazy screams, and rolling adventures around the house! Thank you God for the great blessings in my life, both past and present!