I think the biggest emotional obstacle we had to overcome throughout our process was each other. We ran the course of different states of emotion and how we dealt with it over the years. In the beginning, there was excitement in trying to get pregnant. The excitement eventually led to frustration that it had not happened yet. Then, came the sheer, gut-wrenching, complete disappointment when we discovered there was a large problem. For several months it was very hard for us to talk about our situation with others, as I've mentioned. But it was also hard to talk about it with each other. Sure, we talked about the steps we were taking, when the next appointment was, etc, but we never talked about the emotional toll it took over both of us. I cannot entirely speak for Justin, but since discussing it once it all had passed I can say a little of how we both were feeling.
First of all, if you are a struggling couple out there, I highly recommend you don't follow in our footsteps, but I'm guessing you might reach this point at some time, too. It is so important to be honest with each other and to share your feelings, as cruel and devastateing as they may seem. God has placed each couple together in marriage and in that rite, you become a team. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:31) In any life struggle, it is not HIS struggle or HER struggle, it is OUR struggle, because any married couple is united as ONE. Well, we can definitely say that is a big thing we learned from this, but we didn't go by it at first. I was always afraid to tell Justin about my sorrow, anguish, and fear that I may never be able to have a child because I was afraid of hurting him and making him feel like he wasn't good enough for me. He already beat himself up enough because he knew he was the cause of me possibly never experiencing pregnancy. I am pretty sure he had thoughts that maybe I'd be better off with someone else. But I NEVER wanted to think about that possibility. For about 8 months we lived on pins and needles like this, afraid to show our emotions because we didn't want to make the other one feel bad. It wasn't healthy. We sat in silence a lot. We didn't smile very much. We didn't have fun. We kept everything bottled up and occasionally the bottle would burst, which isn't healthy either. We should have talked about the emotions as they came about, but we were too afraid of hurting each other. Instead, we were hurting ourselves.
Once we decided to share our story with some of our very close friends, it started to get better between the two of us, as well. We cried and shared emotions in front of our friends and it made it easier to share them with each other. And, once we learned more about what the problem was and how we could go forward, things were looking up and we felt better talking about it. We kept meaning to meet with our pastor from church, but never got it accomplished until July of 08 once we knew we had an appointment at the in vitro clinic in September. He reminded us that we are ONE and should communicate completely open and honest and that God was with us every step of the way. Even though we had come a long way in our emotional state by that time, it was still nice to talk to him and get another person on board for support.
Once we reached the actual in vitro appointments and process, we were ONE awesome team. We supported each other tremendously and always shared our feelings. We spent a lot of time talking about what we were going through and helping each other deal with it. When one person was having a rough day, the other would be the rock for the day. Then, it would switch for the next day. Justin and I have been best friends from the beginning. When we began dating we didn't even go on a "date" for more than a month because we just enjoyed hanging out in a dorm room watching tv or talking. We have always been a great 'team'...to play on our obsession with sports. But once we started those in vitro cycles, we were an even greater team. We did everything together. For every one of the more than 200 shorts and blood draws, Justin was there to hold my hand. For every ultrasound, egg retrieval procedure, embryo transfer, and for every phone call to Iowa City to learn the latest update, we did it all together. I don't think we would be where we are today if we hadn't done everything together like that. I can't imagine doing any of it by myself. Justin would tell you I was tough throughout the process, but he was the rock. He was strong and encouraging to me while I was on the hormonal emotional roller coaster. I'm sure there were days I supported him, but most of the time, he was supporting me.
It took some time, but we eventually figured out how to handle it all...as ONE, with everything all out on the table. I think part of the reason the whole process took so long was because God knew we needed that time to figure out how to handle it together. He wanted us to grow closer before we added Aria to our family. At least I think that is part of what God wanted for us. There is definitely much, much more that he taught us that will be posted at a later date.
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