I've had this post tumbling around in my head for quite awhile. It centers around something that just keeps coming up. From things like Miley Cyrus to teens battling pornography, it scares me more and more how sex craved our world is. Most of the time I cringe and wonder what I will be dealing with in ten years with a 13 year old. Not my daughter, but the world around her. I've read some great articles and blog posts and I file them away for future use, but the more I think about it and the more I read, I need to be starting now.
How do you talk to a 3 year old about sex?
Why would you talk to a 3 year old about sex?
First of all, I'm certainly no expert. These are just opinions I've developed from things I've read. But I do feel pretty strongly about it.
I think a very common mistake of parents these days is thinking children are too young, too innocent. Of course at 3, Aria is still young and innocent. And I would love to keep her that way, but the inevitable growing up will happen. Unless I keep her locked in a closet, she will be exposed to things I would rather she was not exposed to. So what should we do?
I really do think it starts this young. No, I don't plan on explaining the birds and the bees to my 3 year old, but I'm starting with what I call public and private.
Our first lesson came one day when I found Aria attempting to "pee standing up like Daddy." At that point I strongly suggested that Justin make sure he did all his bathrooming and clothes changing behind closed doors. At first Aria couldn't understand why Daddy was closing the door all the time, but it made for great conversation. I explained that going to the bathroom and changing our clothes are something we do in private. Unless two people are married, we should not take our clothes off in front of anyone. Of course
Of course she still needs help with bathing and occasionally with her wardrobe, but it was another great conversation point. It is okay for Mommy and Daddy to help you take a bath or get dressed, but you shouldn't let anyone else do those things. And then we went into what if I am at Grandma and Papa's or a friend's house. I was actually impressed that she thought of those types of situations. I told her it was a good idea to ask a mommy or a grandma for help if she needs it in a place when I am not there.
We've also talked about girl's bathrooms or locker rooms and boy's bathrooms or locker rooms. Even in places with all girls, I am trying to teach her discretion. Mainly, I want her to understand there are some things in life that are kept private.
I'm sure there are people who think I am being too conservative, but I would rather be that than too free. Maybe some families don't mind changing their small children's clothes in public, but I'm just not going to do it. It is not okay for an adult to change into their swimming suit in the middle of a park, so why should it be okay for a 3 year old? Some may say they are so little it doesn't matter, but at what age should they start covering themselves up? To me, once they are out of diapers, it is time to keep covered up.
On the topic of clothing, I'm also extra cautious about the clothes Aria wears. I cannot believe the difference between toddler clothes and little girl clothes. Moving up to the girls sizes has added a lot more sass. I don't like the words and pictures on the shirts and I don't like the fit either. Everything seems to be tighter, shorter, low cut. I don't want Aria wearing short shorts, shirts that show her belly, or bikini swimsuits. My new rule of thumb is if I wouldn't wear it, she shouldn't. She loves to wear dresses and skirts, but she hasn't developed the ability to sit modestly in them all the time so she wears shorts underneath. We've had some good conversations about clothes and what they need to cover, too.
Speaking of conversations, I think that is the biggest key. I want Aria to know she can always talk to me about any situation. I want her to tell me if something or someone makes her uncomfortable. I want her to ask questions about why I say yes or no to certain things or why we have rules. I want to talk to her about the tough stuff instead of trying to keep her from it.
A perfect example came from one of my favorite blogs. The author is mom of a 13 year old and when the whole Miley Cyrus debacle happened, she offered to watch it with her and talk about it together. She was thankful her daughter responded with, "I don't want to watch that trash, Mom." But I think she has the right idea. Don't ignore the issue and hope your child doesn't see it somewhere, talk about it with them. Point out what is wrong and why it is wrong. Let them ask questions.
Aria doesn't get to watch a lot of tv or have a lot of screen time, but when we do we are constantly in conversation about the things she sees. Even in shows geared for her age range there are situations that need to be addressed. Kids are mean. They say not nice words. If I ignore those situations, that tells Aria I think their actions are acceptable. But by talking about them with her in the moment we can help her understand why we want to be different.
And not only do we have to talk things through, but we need to be an example. I had an exceptional read in my Parenting by Design daily devotional yesterday. It said,
"Our example has a huge impact on our kids. There are liberties we have as adults that we can enjoy because we have the experience and maturity to keep them in perspective. But, these same liberties may be a trap for our kids because they don't have the same experience and maturity. What was a freedom to you can turn into enslavement for a child who tries to emulate your behavior. We may have to sacrifice some of our freedom because of our children's immaturity. We may rethink our choices about drinking, movies and tv, and even the words we use, and modify our activities because we don't know the areas in which our kids might be prone to struggle. Until they can filter our actions through a more mature perspective, we may need to lovingly refrain from some of our liberties so that our actions will not become stumbling blocks to them."
I thought this was a phenomenal lesson and I have noticed where I have done this type of thing already. There have been many times when I have heard a word come out of Aria's mouth or seen a reaction she has and known it came directly from watching me. While it may not have seemed that bad when I did it, it looks horrible coming from her. I definitely need to make sure my actions and conversations are ones she can repeat.
I hope that by starting early with some of these more difficult lessons that our line of communication will remain open and we can always grow and learn together. I hope she knows she can always come to me with any problem, situation, or question and know I will work through it with her lovingly. Sure, she will make mistakes and have consequences in her life, but I hope she never doubts our love for her and our desire to help her grow closer to God.
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