My Journey to Motherhood

I am part of the newsletter team for my MOPS group.  When we brainstormed topics for articles for the newsletter, my infertility journey seemed to just fit in.  I don't remember the exact conversation from last summer, but I signed up to write an article for the February newsletter.  Below is what I wrote.  Every time I write or speak about our journey, it turns out just a little different.  It is not that anything changed; it is just that God continues to teach me things from it.  It also kind of depends on the audience.  To a group of moms who mostly have multiple children, I guess I just wanted to reach out to others like me who didn't/don't have it so easy in producing babies.  I've also had some raw emotions about it all lately, so that is what came out.  Most of all I want to be honest and real.  This is who I am.  This is the road God paved for me. 

My Journey to Motherhood
by: Julie Pegump

Do you have any other children?  Is she your only child?  Just one?  Isn’t it about time to have another?  No.  Yes.  Yes.  Uh…no?  I bet I can count on one hand how many Moms in our MOPS group have just one child over the age of three.  But that’s me.  It wasn’t my original plan.  No, my young, happily married 25-year-old self thought I should have my first child and over the next five or six years have two or three more.  However, as my husband has said it, God dealt us a different hand.

We weren’t expecting to get pregnant right away, but after a year we became more intentional about counting and trying and waiting.  Then sobbing.  Then counting, trying, and waiting again.  More sobbing.  Then came the doctor appointments that rocked our world.  A balanced translocation of the number one and number ten chromosomes gives a person about a one in eight chance of becoming pregnant and that is with the fancy in vitro fertilization procedures.  Getting pregnant naturally, not much of a chance.  

In 2008, I learned a lot about human reproduction.  My conclusion, a baby is an incredible miracle.  People say that all babies are miracles, and they truly are, but I wonder how many people think about all the pieces that have to take place at just the right time.  And inside that tiny little egg from the Mommy are 23 chromosomes, just like there are 23 chromosomes inside that tiny little sperm from Daddy.  Then they join together and form this crazy ball of tangled up chromosomes that turn into one cell, then two.  Eventually, a heart forms and a brain and arms, feet, and a cute little nose.  Pretty soon you are introducing that tangled up ball of chromosomes as your new baby.  Then they go to school, graduate, and become mommies and daddies themselves.   What an incredible miracle from God!  God made each and every one of us from such a small piece of our mom and a small piece of our dad.  I still can’t wrap my mind around it. 

For most people, that miraculous beginning happens inside Mommy’s tummy without anyone realizing it.  But for my daughter, it was in a tube at the University of Iowa hospital.  Because of my husband’s somewhat rare genetic condition, we needed in vitro fertilization with extra genetic testing in order to get pregnant.  The doctors took my eggs, injected my husband’s sperm, watched the tiny embryos grow (or in most cases not grow), sent a cell or two off for genetic testing, and then transferred the one healthy embryo back into my uterus.  For us, the one in eight chance was actually one in 16.  We had one failed in vitro cycle where none of the embryos survived.  In our next cycle the only healthy, surviving embryo became our daughter.   

Our daughter.  Something I wasn’t sure was possible after our situation was explained to us.  Now, I am so very thankful for my beautiful little girl AND the journey we took to hold her in our arms.  In the beginning I went through periods of shock and grief.  I thought God was punishing me for sins of my past.  I thought I must not be capable of being a good mom and that was why God was withholding a child from me.  Then, I came to the dark conclusion that God must not exist because He wouldn’t allow me to suffer so much.  Yet within my lowest of lows, when I doubted His existence, God still answered my prayer. 

We finally shared our struggle with our small group; our dearest friends.  They began praying for us, caring for us and showing us God’s love.  They let our fears and tears take over our small group sessions.  They cried with us, they made us food, and they prayed.  They showed me God does exist and He was right there with us through it all.  And, boy did they celebrate with us on the day we got the call that said, “Yes!  You are pregnant!”         

Unfortunately there are some negative thoughts out there about in vitro.  However, everything we encountered was positive.  We didn’t discard any embryos; we only had one survive.  We didn’t do any kind of selective testing to choose an amazing athlete or talented musician.  We didn’t have the option to implant multiple embryos and end up with octuplets.  The University of Iowa IVF staff was incredible.  They genuinely wanted Justin and Julie Pegump to have a baby.  We weren’t some number or experiment.  God was very much a part of our journey through IVF.  He showed himself through our favorite nurses and doctors and their compassion.  My husband and I grew closer to each other and closer to God because of all the lessons we learned during our three year infertility journey.

Every MOPS meeting new pregnancies or new babies are introduced.  It is a happy time for most of the moms in the room.  I’ve heard people say they hope someone at their table will announce a new pregnancy.  For me, I grin and bear it.  Of course I am happy for each of the moms who are adding children to their family.  It is what is right for their family.  I also can’t help but wonder what it would be like to all of a sudden discover I was pregnant.  I know that nothing is impossible with God and I don’t know what our future holds.  Our family still has the option to grow; it is just under more unconventional terms.  But there is one thing I can hold on to.  Yes, she is my only child.  Yes, I have a child.