Last week Aria and were playing a game of tag in our yard. Actually, she refers to it as "chase me" but it is tag all the same. She ran one way around her play house, so I ran the other way and she jumped right into my arms as we collided. She instantly wrapped her legs around me and I spun her around as she laughed. All of a sudden it was as if the world stood still. It was a beautiful day with sun shining all around us and I was holding my beautiful daughter, laughing and enjoying the moment. It was in that moment I knew it was all going to be okay. As I looked into her eyes, I saw a little girl well beyond her baby years, yet with many great life adventures ahead. I saw beautiful big brown eyes glistening with her smile. I saw her adoration for me, the one she counts on the most, and I realized how blessed I am to be her mom. I count my blessings often, but this time it was really different. I thought about how special and precious my time with her is, as she grows up way too fast. I thought about how lucky we are that I can stay home with her and spend every minute of every day with her. I thought about what a privilege it is that I was given the opportunity to be her mom. Not that I didn't already want to do so, but I vowed again, right then and there, to be the best mom to Aria that I can be.
Last summer we began thinking about the probability of having another child. It took a lot of thinking on our part because it doesn't come easy for us. I still have trouble completely describing the whole situation to people who seem to scoff at my comment of getting pregnant being incredibly difficult. It really is not easy. Yes, I do know and believe that anything is possible with God. I have a child that I once thought may be impossible to have. But our path is not one of having sex, missing a period, and taking a pregnancy test. Nope. It is one of shots, blood draws, ultrasounds, genetic tests, and terms like high risk. It is not the path I would have originally chosen, but it is one I have come to accept and appreciate. At least I can say that now.
We were all ready to move forward and go through in vitro again last August. If it happened once, it can happen again, right? But a cyst and a "wait two months and check to see if it is gone" changed that plan. Then there was some question if my body could do the whole in vitro transfer and pregnancy again. That questioning sent me into full "we are done, let's sell all the baby stuff" mode. If it was not possible, let's get rid of everything that makes me think about it. But there continued to be a "what if" in the back of my mind. I'd like to blame it on every single one of our friends having a baby. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. Quite literally every other couple, except one, from our ABF group at church had or will have a baby in 2012 or 2013. It was baby central and I felt like being a part of it. Aria wanted us to be a part of it, too.
So we talked to the IVF people again and got a green light to give it a try. I even started the first drug. And then I lost it. I went into hysteric mode. I was completely afraid of all of it; in vitro, pregnancy, having a newborn, dividing my attention. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, so we stopped. We put the topic on the shelf for awhile. Then I began to live in a constant state of maybe. Maybe we will do this. If we have a baby, we will do this. If I am pregnant, I can't do this. Let me tell you, that was not the place to be. I got so tired of wondering and lobbying back and forth in my mind, I knew I needed to make a decision.
Let me just brag on my husband here for a minute. The emotional mess I described above could not have been easy for him. One minute I wanted a baby. The next minute I wanted to adopt. Later I just wanted to be a family of three. He was so patient, supportive, and loving the whole time. I never really asked about his feelings much because I couldn't sort out my own, yet he remained calm and even keeled.
One day, I let it all out while he was home for lunch. It ended up being more like a two hour lunch where I released all the thoughts I was having about it all. I felt like I had to have another child because everyone else was. I felt like I had to give Aria a sibling and play mate. I felt like I needed to attempt to give Justin a son. I projected all my short comings onto Aria if we make her an only child like me. I felt like I had nobody to talk to about it all because all my friends were having babies, my mom has me as an only child and wouldn't understand my desire for another, and I couldn't influence Justin's decision with my emotions. All false, but what I thought in that time. Ultimately, what I really felt was I did not want to go through in vitro again.
We have had so many conversations about how happy we are to have Aria and how blessed we feel to be parents. We haven't had any deep yearnings that someone is missing from our family. We liked the prospect of having another, but also liked the prospect of being a family of three. That journey was so different from our original infertility journey. We were completely desperate to have a child the first time around. I wanted more than anything to feel what it was like to be pregnant, to hear someone call me "mommy." I was ready to do anything to have my very own child. We didn't have those feelings this time because we do have a child. I found myself saying way more often "why can't we just have sex and get pregnant like everyone else?" Before I was a little naïve and didn't know what the whole process would entail. I didn't care what I had to do to have a child. Well, now I know and I am truly thankful for the process, but to do it all again? With a few further complications? That was a hard decision to make.
One thing we knew through it all was that God was there. God would be a part of a decision to go through in vitro. God would be a part of adoption. God would be a part of our family of three. I didn't feel like I had to choose which option God had planned for us because I knew we could honor him with whichever option we chose. Even though I was often not at peace about it all, God could still bring me peace. It was a bit of a strange state to be in.
Finally, with it all out on the table, we discovered it was okay if we chose not to do in vitro again. It was okay to not be like all the other families we know with more than one child. It will be okay if Aria grows up as an only child. She may not be like me at all and even if she is, that is okay, too. We didn't have to force something that didn't feel right for our family. So, we made the decision to not do in vitro again. It was tough and I grieved. I feel on the verge of tears right now, but I also know it is the right decision. The biggest blessing is we can move forward and not live in the constant state of maybe.
Someday I know it will be difficult to respond to, "why didn't you have any more kids?" or "why don't I have any brothers or sisters?" But I am confident God will be right there with us for that, too.
Aria, we feel so lucky to be your parents. We love you so much and thank God for giving you to us. You are beautiful, smart, kind, sensitive, musical, funny, and a wonderful child of God. We felt God made our family perfect when he put you in it and we wanted to soak up all the time we have being your mom and dad.
If those aren't the words, then God will give me some more to help her understand.
This is a long, loaded, personal post. It has been one I've been trying to write for a long time. Ever since I started this blog I wanted to be real about our journey through infertility in hopes that it might help someone else feel better about theirs. But this has been the hardest to write about. I wrote about the first part after the fact and I was trying to write this in the middle. Now we are moving forward. We made one decision and are at peace. I still know nothing is impossible with God and I look forward to what he has in store for our family. I will continue in my journey of motherhood and I will soak up every game of chase me with my precious, beautiful gift from God.
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