Emotions

Awhile ago someone sent me this hilarious link about three-year-olds and their crazy emotions.
http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

I found it hilarious and posted it on FB and got many other comments from parents of two- and three-year-olds.  In our house there was some kind of faucet that turned on once we switched over to 2013.  It is not that Aria didn't have emotions before this year, they just weren't so extreme.  Mostly, I find her overreacting to certain situations.  She has irrational fears and moments of anger.  Here is what I have learned:

I can't rationalize with an irrational fear.  As silly as it seems to me, it is very real for Aria and I must navigate carefully.

Our latest episodes have involved public restrooms.  Aria has developed a crazy fear of public toilets.  I can't tell you how many times lately I have had to sit/kneel on a dirty public bathroom floor, bracing myself on disgusting toilets while my daughter holds on to me for dear life and screams that she doesn't have to go.  I can only imagine what other patrons in the restrooms have thought.

Of course, I had some less than stellar moments in handling this ridiculous new development.  I tried threatening to take things or opportunities away.  I offered rewards.  I tried to wait it out.  I tried tough love and not helping her.  Not much of anything worked.  The good news out of all this, she never had an accident.  She just held it.  And held it.  And held it.

Well, it all came to a head this past weekend when we took a little trip to Chicago.  There would be no holding it until we got home.  We weren't going to be home for three full days.  We left our house at 6:30 am and Aria went shortly before we got in the car.  She refused to go at McDonalds where we first stopped.  She refused to go at the basketball game twice.  Finally we went to the hotel and she still claimed she didn't have to go, just because she didn't want to.  It was almost 3:00 pm.  It had been almost 9 hours.  Sure, she holds it that long at night, but during the day?!?!  I was starting to be concerned about bladder infection.  Our solution was to find a Target and buy a potty seat.  Maybe she would go on that.  But finally she went in the hotel. 

Thus continued our vacation.  Aria went in the hotel, but nowhere else.  She held it for hours and hours.  It didn't matter if I threatened no swimming.  She said she didn't want to go swimming (not true).  She was just that scared of the public toilet.  At one point we sat in our funny formation in the bathroom and I just kept repeating, "Aria, look at my eyes.  We are not leaving this bathroom until you go potty."  She would cry hysterically and I would just calmly repeat the line.  She finally went, but good grief it was traumatic.

Our last day we were at Shedd Aquarium.  We spent the day there and then were heading for home.  Of course she didn't want to go potty.  She kept saying she would just go when we got home.  How do you explain a four hour car ride to a three year old?  So we promised her a chance to pick out a toy in the gift shop if she went potty.  We found a quiet family restroom and started our ritual.  All of a sudden it clicked for me.

I needed to acknowledge her fear.  I needed to tell her it was okay to be scared.

Not only did Aria have a fear of the public toilet, she was afraid and upset about making me mad.  I've realized Aria is experiencing big emotions and doesn't know what to do with them.  She possibly thinks she isn't supposed to have them.

So in that family restroom at Shedd Aquarium, I told Aria it was okay to be scared.  I saw instant relaxation in her face and shoulders.  I told her we are all scared of things sometimes, but she was safe and it was okay to go potty in public places.  Then she went!  Phew!

We then headed for home.  We decided we would stop at my parents house on the way home vs. a restaurant or other public place so Aria could go on a "home" potty.  About 20 or 30 minutes from my parents house, Aria declared she needed to go potty.  I told her we would have to stop at a gas station to go or she could wait for Grandma and Papa's house.  She wanted to wait for their house, but about five minutes later she said she really needed to go.  I told her if we stopped at a gas station, she had to go.  There would be no getting in there and changing her mind.  "Okay, I will go," she said.

And she did.  There was no crying.  There wasn't even really any hesitation.  I'm not sure if she just had to go that bad or if our revelation at Shedd Aquarium had taken care of the problem.  We haven't been anywhere since, so we will have to wait and see.

While I hope Aria has learned from all this, I hope I apply what I have learned forever.  I must acknowledge Aria's feelings and let her know I am on her side.  I must let her know she is allowed to have feelings, but her actions and behaviors still have to be controlled.  We had another perfect example of that in the car on the way home.  I told her no more Leap Pad.  She was angry.  She said, "I want to throw my ipod (that's what she calls it)."  But she didn't throw it.  I told her it was okay to be mad, but it was not okay to throw her toy.  I asked her how she would feel if it broke.  Of course she didn't want that.  I was so happy she expressed her feelings instead of just acting on them.  It indicated great progress on our journey of three-year-old emotions.

I'm glad I was able to grow as a mom through all this, but when I think back upon it, it also provides some great comic relief!