Fears

This post is not going to be the most flattering, or the easiest to write, but it is what has been on my mind, so here it goes.  For as long as I can remember I have had a great fear of rejection.  As a young girl, it was rejection from friends or potential friends.  I was always afraid that I wasn't cool enough.  I wanted to have the right clothes, the right things to say, the right hair color.  Oh the teasing that comes for red-heads, at least for me.  I am a pretty black and white, serious person.  I have never handled sarcasm or teasing very well.  I used to not like fantasy because it couldn't really happen.  I wanted people to be real and honest.  I was always seeking praise and probably was described as a teacher's pet.  I knew how to gain the respect of my parents and adults by behaving and giving my best effort, but a lot of times that type of behavior didn't transfer to affirmation from friends. 

Middle school and high school were interesting times for me.  I went to a really small school, so grades 7-12 were in the same building.  Prior to seventh grade, I had friends mostly just in my same grade.  In the "big school," I was immersed in several grades all at once and didn't know how to handle making friends beyond my age-mates.  I just have never been good at, "Hey!  I think you're cool!  We should hang out and be friends!"  I'm still not.  It always comes out wrong.  Needless to say, when attention started coming from boys, I craved it.  I basically had one boyfriend for three of my high school years.  It probably shouldn't have lasted that long based on the way he treated me at times, but I was afraid no one else would like me.  Oh, teenage romance. 

When I went off to college and a whole new world of awkwardly making friends, I often wore a mask and didn't reveal the true me.  I could be silly and fun-loving, which caused people to like me, but I often didn't let people in to see the real me or I changed who I was to reflect the group of people I was trying to impress at the time.  I have always been pretty slow to trust.  I did have one awesome friend throughout college that got to hear all of my stories; that listened for hours to all the things going on inside my head.  For Nicole, and her listening abilities, I am truly thankful!

Back to now.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have an awesome core group of friends whom I've grown so close to.  Yet I still fear rejection.  Big time.  I don't fear it from them.  I trust them and they have seen the real me.  I find I fear rejection the most in people I admire from a distance.  It could be people in our ABF group, other people in our church, or people we know from college.  Still, I can't ever figure out how to say, "Hey, I am inspired by the way you live your life.  Want to be friends?"  Still sounds corny. 

There is also God's great commission.  Matthew 28:19 says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."  You mean I should reach out to people I don't even know from a distance or who are outside of my comfort zone?  How in the world do I do that when I am so afraid of rejection? 

I guess I need to get over my fear.  Slowly but surely, as I read and learn, I realize that I need to be confident in who God made me.  People can't love me if I don't love me.  How can they see God if I don't reflect Him?  It is okay if I reach out to someone and they say, 'no.'  It doesn't change who I am.  It doesn't have to be embarrassing.  I am a firm believer that God places people in my life for many reasons.  Sometimes it is to help me grow.  Sometimes it is to help them grow.  Sometimes it is to build a life-long friendship (right Ash?!?)  When I feel a connection with someone, I need to get bold and find a way to build the relationship.  Maybe it won't last long, but it could be extremely significant in the growth of all involved. 

My fear of rejection is real and it is something I have to work on.  But it is also nothing I can't conquer with God working inside of me.  Here's to new friendship and the confidence to build them!